Miss me???

OMGosh! I know it's been FOREVER!!! I've spent the last 8 months kissing a major FROG and the most recent of the 2 crying over it. I know. Major waste of my time. But in my defense I really thought Scott was going to be my EC. I know that's no excuse to let my updates slack off. There were a lot of really great moments I should've shared with you. Like when he paid off my humungo tax bill, or paid my medical bills, or took me on mini vacations, or we put an offer down on a house and started planning eternity together. Oh, ALSO about the time he refused to hold my hand when a picture was being taken because "we had enough pictures holding hands" or the time he sat in his car in my front yard and talked to his ex girlfriend from high school for 2 hrs in the middle of the night, or the time he said he was on his way to my house and showed up 3 hrs later, or how he refused to hang out with my girlfriends because they weren't educated enough or because they picked the same restaurant weekly. Or how when he was breaking up with me he said he'd rather keep dating me, but be able to date other people because he didn't want to miss out on other opportunities...yeah....about that. Basically he's a 34 year old indecisive loser. If he keeps thinking the grass is greener on the other side eventually he's gonna run out of grass. It's a good thing I slapped the tooth right out of his mouth when he told me he was seeing someone else AFTER he'd just made out with me! Yup..... so you see, I feel really bad that I have to give you a brief recap now, when this would've been SO much better if you'd heard about it in real time.
But don't worry guys. The break-diet brought me down to a size 0 and I'm looking MIGHT FINE. And in all honesty, I'm beating guys away with sticks! Yogurt guy is back around (we have a date tonight), there's a new one, Nate, who ROCKS and is taking me to New Orleans this month (winner!) and McCutie more recently known as Pink Shirt Douche Bag who in the last year has come back to church and claims to have turned his life around. I'm not so sure if that REALLY happened...but that's what he says. So I'm letting him buy me dinner Saturday.
To recap:
Dated Scott FOREVER.
Got dumped. (blessing...seriously)
Got SUPER SKINNY SEXY.
It's raining men again.
Thursday date with Nate
Friday date with Yogurt Guy
Saturday date with PSDB

I think my weekend is looking pretty ding dong dang fantastic.

And Scott has to work. All weekend.
Life is beautiful.

Down There Doctor

Guys, my friend (sorry...she's off the market fellas) went to the Down There Doctor for the first time recently. I know.....it's gross to even think of, but she HAD to. Anyway, she was super nervous and a little uncomfortable (wouldn't YOU be?) and not sure what to do. I mean seriously, what do you look at? And the DTD keeps telling you to SCOOT DOWN!!! Seriously, my friend's precious flower is right in her face, how close does she want you to get!! I can't think about it. It makes me want to call my bishop immediately. So the DTD starts doing her thing....and my friend starts giggling. I know! So embarrassing! She can't stop. The through the whole exam of her precious flower AND the breastie exam she's giggling away! It's not like it tickles. I'm super embarassed for her. Luckily she only has to go once a year. Maybe the DTD will forget her giggling episode by then and she's have enough time to recover.

Frog Prince

Looky what I found today!!

Seeing Green

Ok---First off, Scott and I ARE OFFICIAL!!! YEAH!!!!!
Secondly - there's a girl in my ward who is seriously pushing it. Scott came to church with me this week and I saw them talking 2x in the hall way. Both times I came up and held his hand and made sure that little tramp knew we were together and all she did was give me a weird look at keep talking to him. I'm gonna hit her in the face. I told her roommate, Andi, I was gonna hit her in the face so I hope the message gets back to her. That anorexic home wrecker had better stay clear of my man or I'm gonna help her out a little by smashing that big beak on her face in a little.
It's not that I'm crazy jealous or anything (without reason). Before Scott and I got together he was a little intersted in AHW until he found out that she was WAY too young for him. Then he found the love of his live (ME) and after we got together someone actually tried to set him up with AHW and he declined because he's smitten with me. But if that trampy little weasel thinks she can wiggle in between me and my future EC she's got something coming....in the shape of a size 7 Jimmie Choo peep toe 4" heel to the face.

Persistence should be rewarded….but isn’t always…

Yogurt guy asked me out again. Our last date was over a month ago. I was beautiful and charming and totally made him look good in front of his boss. When I hear from him now he ALWAYS mentions how everyone in his office loves me and still talks about me. I find this incredibly odd since HE only calls once a month, if that.

So he calls me and asks if I have plans for the evening and I do. I have plans with Scott. But I’m mildly irritated with him, so I briefly consider accepting Yogurt Guy, but then think better of it. I flirt with YG just a little and let him believe there’s still hope (I’m too smart to burn Man Bridges) and tell him maybe next time.

Today I heard from YG again. What!?!?!? That’s twice in less than a week. I’m SHOCKED! There must be something wrong with my phone. Or maybe it’s his phone? Or maybe he finally realized I’m the best there is and he’s lucky I answer his sorry butt’s sporadic calls at all???? Nah….the planets must have realigned or the earth has begun spinning the opposite direction. I vaguely remember seeing something like that in Weekly World News. The moon and the tides are off, so gravity…blah blah blah….earth’s axis…blah blah blah….right next to an update on Bat Boy. So I’m already a little light headed at all this attention from YG and he goes ahead and does the UNTHINKABLE. He offers to help me move!!!!

I KNOW!!!! I’ve seen desperation before, but never in the form of heavy lifting/hard core manual labor!!! Does this mean I’ve gotten hotter??? (Probably true…my hotness increases daily) Or perhaps he’s noticed pictures of me and Scott on FB??? (Probably also true) Either way my stock just went WAY UP.

I wonder if YG thinks all this persistence will pay off. That I’ll just give in and decide his recent attention somehow compensates for him being a moron. And a balding moron at that. Doubtful. Very doubtful.

Scott

Ok, so I don't wanna jump the gun or get TOO excited or anything, but I'm totally getting married! YEAH! I've totes already planned out the reception and the dress, and the bridesmaids and the play list and the food, and the pictures of me!!! It's so much fun getting married!!!
By "getting married" I mean that things with me and Scott are going SUPER well. =) We don't call each other boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but we're totally officially non exclusively dating! I know! SO EXCITING! He's super great! Like when it's FREEZING he gives me his blanket/jacket and sits there shivering. When my feet hurt from wearing super sexy too high heels he rubs them for me and tells me how beautiful I am. He also lets me drive his car and talks about the future like it's "ours" not his and mine separately. Like, he's buying big ticket items that he says are for him, but I know it's for me. And he's talking family vacations! Lot's of foreign trips planned for this year!!! Sure, he's invited 30 of our closest friends, but that's just for show. I bet he's getting ideas for the honeymoon!

From the Mouths of Babies

Yesterday while I was getting ready for a date (with NEW man Scott) my friend's toddler told me she knew what happened on dates. I laughed and asked her what happens. She got a little red, and shy and said, "I don't wanna tell you." I explained to her that I have no idea what happens on dates and since I was about to go on one I needed her help and would she please tell me. So she finally told me, "Boys lay on top of girls on dates." LOL Oh my goodness. I laughed so hard. Then I explained that that's NOT what happens on dates. But that on dates you go see movies, and shows, and eat dinner and talk. Later on my date I told Scott what she had said and all he had to say was, "Very perceptive for a 4 year old." LOL
At the end of the date we were sitting in my driveway kissing good night and in one swift movement he had reached over and behind me to pull the leaver on my car seat and lay it flat back. He was trying to get hot and heavy and all I could think of was that little 4 yrd old voice in the back of my head saying, "Boys lay on top of girls on dates." I lost it. I started cracking up. Probably not the reaction he is used to getting when he kisses a girl, but I couldn't help it.
I wonder how many times he's used that move to lay the seat down so quickly.....hmmmmm....

Yogurt

I went on a date with Yogurt Guy again. It was fun cause it was all fancy and we got super dressed up. And I looked SMOKIN hot! I had men of all ages drooling, including the help. Yogurt Guy was kinda a dud and didn't say much to me, mostly he talked to colleagues, but it was ok cause I know he asked me to be his date because he wanted to show that he could get a babe like me. When he was introducing me to everyone they kept teasing him and making jokes about how much he paid me to be his date because I was too good looking for him. He even called on Monday morning to tell me his whole office was talking about me and that I was the hit of the party. I'm pretty sure I elevated his career. PLUS I talked with one of the partners of his law firm for most of the evening and am pretty sure I get free legal help for life now.

From my friend Emma

Dear Frog Prince,

I just have to share this dating story.....let's call him Army Dud (clearly he's in the military).....so I meet this supposedly wonderful PH (priesthood holder) at a friend's house for FHE. We totally hit it off and instead of texting me for the rest of eternity, this guy actually called - shocker I know! Not once, not twice, but every day. And he just couldn't wait to take me out....a real Prince at last?? After I took him to one of Las Vegas' coolest hotels to a party in a rockin' penthouse suite we had pretty standard first date fun - a movie. Movie was hilarious, date conversation was great, and as we walked back to his car in the parking garage he guided me through the crowds with his hand on my lower back - SWOON! Do men know how much of a turn-on that is?? Anyhow, we get back to my house and he was definitely a little presumptuous. I didn't invite him in, he just CAME IN. But I didn't feel threatened so no worries.

Sitting on the couch watching tv (for real!) and all of a sudden, someone was in my backyard knocking on a window!! Yes, 1am and someone is knocking on a window in my backyard. Immediately mute the tv, then turn off the lights, then shut off the tv to try to see outside and who it is. Me - I'm freaking out (Hello I live alone!!); Army Dud - totally cool, calm and collected. He's ready to go all commando (except for the fact that I had to suggest turning off the lights inside so that we could see outside since it was pitch black out there....interesting). Once the lights are off though, he becomes more concerned with trying to rub up on me than protect me! All of a sudden he's got tentacles and after a few minutes of checking things out through the windows, we decide to settle back onto the couch and see if it happens again. Why would anyone think this would be a good time to try to makeout?? Okay yes, being strong defender man - definitely hott! But when I am seriously freaked out - not a great time to try to play tonsil-hockey!

Army Dud became convinced that it was my ex making a drive-by in the middle of the night and saw his car in the driveway so wanted to mess with us. I explained why I didn't think that was true - and I still think it was just some creepy person checking out my house in the middle of the night - weirdos! But overall, he seemed to not be freaked out by the whole incident - given his determination at physical contact. The next day I initiated phone contact and made light of the incident. The response - NONE.

That's how easy it is to go from a Prince to a Dud. Excuse me, but even if it was a stalker, is that my fault?? Doesn't that just show how truly desirable I am?? Some poor schmuck just can't live without me?? And this Dud wants to pass on all that fabulousness?!? His loss. But really, where did all the Prince Charming's go???

Emma

~Note to Emma from Lynne...

Emma,

Army Dud wasn't even cute. You can do so much better.

Heart,
Lynne

High School

I have recently been seeing a few guys, one who isn't winning any prizes for being:

witty
smart
smooth
attractive
funny

You get the point. Why do I keep going out with him you may ask? Well, he is just so dang persistent and doesn't take "no" for an answer.

What stupid thing did he text me when I ignored his phone call today?

"Hey sexy lady. Call me when you can. I wanna get all high school with you."

I WANNA GET ALL HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOU???????????????

What the crap does that mean!?!?!?!? I pictured him fantasizing about making out in the back seat of his car. Turns out he wanted to DTR (define the relationship) but really??? After 30 you should not "wanna get all high school," with anyone. LOL

For the record....I let him know there was NO relationship.